This morning was the hearing to dissolve my marriage. The final step to terminating 3 years of marriage and the 8 years of relationship in total. I traveled two hours to where our hearing was, leaving home at 7am. I took this trip alone, my boyfriend was not able to get the day off from work.
I didn’t think anything this morning on my way to meet my ex-husband at his house which used to be ours. I had a blank mind so I’d have the strength to do this. I love my ex-husband very much, he was never bad to me and we are friends. Sometimes I wonder if this would have been easier if we weren’t still friends, if I hated him or if he was terrible. It doesn’t matter, I guess, it’s awful and sad anyway.
Today was hard, tonight was harder. I cried a lot. It’s so hard to describe what hurts and why I’m so sad, when I’m the one that wanted to leave. I guess I’m mourning our life together and all the dreams we had. I know I did the right thing and I know we will be happier apart than we were together, but it’s still sad. I mourn being someone’s wife and mattering so much to someone. I mourn being his safe place and his being my home. I don’t want it back, but it’s still so sad. It’s such a strange dichotomy. I’m torn between two worlds.
I’m so lucky to have a partner that understands how hard this is for me and so so supportive. My boyfriend has been incredibly patient and understanding through this whole process. This would be so so much harder to do alone.
I am ending this entry here feeling heartbroken but optimistic for myself and for my ex-husband. I know he will be fine and happy. I hope a really wonderful woman discovers him, he deserves the very best. He’s a wonderful man, we just didn’t work anymore. I think the future will be bright for both of us.
(I’m too tired and emotionally ruined to proofread atm, here’s hoping this is legible.)