How to be a Person

I struggle with some very severe behavioral health disorders. It makes it hard (impossible) to complete simple asks and, as of now, prevents me from working a typical job. I do my art and that makes me a little money, but that’s all I can handle. I have worked jobs and I recently had a full time job that I loved, but at some point the added stress of working on top of my disorders made it impossible for me to continue. I try to be productive as a “housewife” but with only a small apartment to care for, a very independent partner, and no children or animals, I’m often struggling to make myself useful.

My amazing partner is very understanding about my struggles and loves to help me find solutions, so last night we made me a schedule to help me stay busy and also battle some of my anxiety. Here is the schedule right now:

10 am – wake up – brush teeth – make bed – eat breakfast – internet/phone time

11:30 am – Read something

12:30 – Go adventuring

2 pm – Lunch

3 pm – Creative Time

5 pm – Dishes/house work – tv – internet

He gets home around 7 pm so the schedule ends there, and it’s really only fro the 4 days a week he works, we have fun and do all our errands on his days off, so I am, able to stay busy. I’m glad that we included to brush my teeth because self-care is something I struggle with a lot. Seeing it in my schedule reminds me to do it, and gives me the motivation to.

Schedule in reading time forces me to not just turn into a zombie in front of the computer and do something that I really enjoy. I love learning and I love reading. It makes me feel better because my mind is working, I hate having a lazy mind.

Going adventuring is our cute way of saying “leave the damn apartment.” I’m very isolated here, we’ve only lived in this area for a few weeks, I don’t know anyone here, my partner is the only person I see, so I need to get out of the house. I do struggle with agoraphobia so leaving the apartment alone is a HUGE challenge for me. It gets far worse the longer I go without leaving. BUT I also feel awful being so isolated and I hate giving in to my disorders. Anxiety ruled my life for so long, and I’m not willing to give it that power over me again. Therefore, I MUST keep trying and fighting against it. Today, I gave into that fear. I had plans for my partner’s friends to come pick me up and go to a park nearby, but they cancelled. They invited me to their place to hang out, but I felt too fragile and alone to leave. I refuse to feel defeated, though. It’s just a minor set back. My partner and I came up with ways to get me out of the house without too much “excitement: like taking myself out for lunch or indulging in some Starbucks.

Creative is also so important for me to schedule so I make myself sit and work on something instead of waiting for the ever-elusive inspiration to strike. Today, I’m being creative by working on this blog and then I’m going to do another color-by-number. I’m thinking I should buy some more coloring books so I have more variety, I’ll talk to my partner about that idea tonight.

Scheduling time for tv/internet helps me not waste my entire day doing those things and still lets me get all the time-wasting fun my heart desires.

I love my schedule and as time goes on I’m sure we will adjust it so I’m more active and maybe leave the house more. I have to be patient with myself and be proud of small victories. I’m proud of myself today for working on this blog and for cleaning the apartment. I also showered and made myself a real lunch so that’s pretty awesome for my self-care.

I may not be perfect and I’m sure a lot of people may believe I’m lazy, but I know I’m working hard and making progress. As long as my partner and I know how hard I’m working, that’s all that matters ❤


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